I'm miserable.
My short story is horrible.
My character isnt the character I planned out,
nor is he interesting,
I tried to make him sound like a stoner/uncaring teenager
he sounds like a hick from south Alabama
And he sounds like that in my head too, not just on the page.
My phone keeps auto-correcting all of my messages into nonsense
My step-sister is being a two faced bitch
I never know how to act around her
I hold great respect for her most of the time,
 and yes we do disagree on things
but we discuss them in an intellectual way
but then, out of nowhere, she busts out these comments
that make me feel like if I'd jumped off a bridge three days ago
She wouldn't have noticed yet,
and she wouldn't care when someone voiced the news
Like if I were gone it would simply mean one less idiot on the earth
Maybe she and Mr. Shea are right, I'm easily replaced
My short story is completely plot driven
I used big, horrific events to hide the fact that I can't write worth a damn
I use shock value to garner compliments
My moral tenor and conscience are begging me to try to fix Adam
But I don't have the time, and even though I know,
Come next year, when its too late, you'll hate yourself
But I already hate myself now so what the hell,
Helping others is more important than helping myself
But what if I can help more others by helping myself first?
Ghandi had it easy, he only needed to sit back and not co-operate
and he freed a nation
I want a degree in physics so I can find one
just one
New idea
A discovery.
Even a small one.
To be mentioned once in one history book, once in history, for one discovery.
Just one.
To do so I have to work for an evil company.
Work myself to the bone,
though I'm not really doing that,
I don't have time to sleep yet I do,
I don't have time to eat lunch, but I do
I don't have time to play portal 2 but I do
I don't have time to play D&D but I do
I don't have the time to go to prom but I will
I didn't have time to take Kerrie out for Ice cream but I did
I didn't have the time to fall asleep while doing homework today
I don't have time to go and write about my problems on blogger,
but guess what.
I have stretch marks on my stomach.
I let myself go and became fat fast.
I'm sensitive about my weight.
I'm not fit, I'm not healthy.
I don't have the willpower to control what I put into my face.
I walked out to get a snack or a glass of juice tonight
and ashley takes the time out of her busy schedual to say
"don't have any Ice cream."
I thought that meant are parents were planning to use it for something
like a family desert so I asked
"why?"
"Well you're the one who didn't eat dinner last night."
Well thank you Ashley for making me feel that:
One: if I come into the kitchen it probably means I'm going to eat.
Two:That I'm an idiot for packing four slices of pepper for my dinner at work last night.
I couldn't even hold to those four peices of pepper anyway,
I had enough money to buy a Mars bar so I did
But thank you for making me feel like a fat, stupid, piece of shit
Why am I even writing this!
Do I want gossip about myself!
Do I want sympathy!
Do I want special treatment!
Do I want pity!
What do I want?
Where does hard work end and happiness begin
Ive been working hard since I was labled the boy with cooties in grade 3
I've always been working toward my better future.
When do I get this better future.
I've been working so hard, for so long,
I care, I'm nice, I'm respectful, I'm polite
I'm an existentialist who believes everyone is good at heart for God's sake
I'm replaceable
If I did go jump off a bridge tomorrow I would be forgotten by most in a few months
by all in two generations
When do I get my better future?
I have at least four more years of hard work ahead of me
But I know there will be more after that,
and more after those.
Will I ever be able to walk up to God, or the History books, or myself and say
"I'm all finished." in stead of
"I'm a work in progress"
Will it ever stop?
Or will I ever be under the heel of my own boot
just trying to crawl out and see the daylight I know must be beyond the sole
is the light beyond my soul?
Will every step I take just lead me to walk all over myself again
Is my movement to a better future a stroll on a mobious strip.
I look forward to the future and see there is a flip side to things, a better place out there
but its an illusion
I see the other side but its not there.
There is only one side and I'm on it.
Always trying to get to a better future or an easier past
and always ending up where I started
With neither.
I need to go to sleep.
I have to put on the mask again tomorrow morning.
Brighten everyones day.
Its prom after all.
I have to go and work hard.
I can't stop.
If I do I'll fail.
But I can never succeed.
I suppose if I can't live
I might as well keep myself from dying.
Night.

Pleas don't comment that it was great and honest writting.
I don't care if you all know my secrets, I have none.
I'll lay myself bare before the eyes of the world.
Whether its to get ahead or to get clean I don't know.
Don't give me the ego trip that my life actually matters.
Until that original thought, that one discovery.
All I am is replaceable hard work.
Night...